Cheers to Graduation, a Time of Reflection

Yesterday I finally received my undergraduate degree (holder - the degree has to be mailed). It's something I knew I would chase after one day, but didn't want to go for right after high school like many of my friends. I knew I wouldn't take doing homework seriously, I never did in high school anyways. I wanted to study something that would be worth the time and investment, and I wanted to go when I would give it 100% of my effort and attention. So I went to hair school, started working in a trade that I enjoyed, and I waited. I saved money, and I got hungry in time. This has certainly not been a one person journey. I have had an incredible amount of help, encouragement, and support. I wanted to take some time to write down all of my thanks to those who deserve it, and to those who I know I'll never be able to repay in ways other than succeeding in what I have been working so hard for. I also wanted to share a couple of valuable lessons that I've learned outside of the classroom. - To my Mom, thank you for being strong and learning how to stand on your own two feet once again. Thank you for helping me with all of my car headaches and maintenance. Thank you for allowing me to continue storing my belongings in your home, and thank you for continuing to pay for certain things for me. I'm not embarrassed to admit this to those reading this, because I know just as much as some of you reading this that I am (maybe you too) are a part of a generation who got screwed over by the perfect storm of the recession, disgustingly high tuition rates, stupid rent rates, and being told that we're somehow still capable of doing all of this on our own when we're definitely not. I never forget how lucky I am to have your support.

- To my sister, thank you. Thank you for inspiring me to keep going when I thought I couldn't. Thank you for finishing your degree and showing me that it was possible as an unconventional student, as silly as that might seem. You always continue to impress me every day with what you've achieved on your own. Also, thank you for letting me come down to Flerd when I needed to escape the dark and cold New England winters.

- To Tim, thank you. For being a wonderful partner, mentor, and support system. For helping me with my homework when I needed extra explanation, clarity, and professional wisdom and insight. You're incredible at what you do, and you're seriously an amazing teacher. I'm not the only one who looks up to you when it comes to software, but I get to look up to you in all aspects and I'm so fortunate for that. I love you. - To my friends who have been my shoulder when succeeding in school felt impossible, thank you. Computer Science is HARD. It demands a lot of time from anyone who majors in it, but I am also someone who unfortunately needs to spend a lot more time trying to understand material than the average student, and finishing felt impossible for the longest time. It still hasn't sunk in that I'm done. Thank you for allowing me to vent when I know I needed to, and for still loving me afterwards.

- To anyone and everyone I lived with and who spent time at our Temple Street apartment. You all inspired me in ways to go back to school more than you'll ever know. I'll forever remember all of the insightful, thoughtful, and respectful discussions and debates that would happen at that apartment. Being in that place dug me out of my rock bottom after my Dad's passing, and it was because of all of you who would come over and helped me learn who I really was, and who I wanted to become. I am forever grateful to all of you who I met there, even if I haven't talked with any of you in a while now. You're all amazing, smart, fun, and beautiful people, and I hope that all of the paths that life has led each of you down since Temple Street have made your lives richer and full of experiences, just like we'd talk about and hope for ourselves.

- To my classmates who have helped me with homework and who trusted me to help them with homework, thank you. I love you all and you know exactly what it's like to bust your ass every day on low sleep, rough commutes, due dates, and exams that seem like a forever growing mountain of responsibility. Thank you for putting up with my mood swings, especially on the few days when the cafeteria did not have a competent sandwich maker on staff. - To everyone who has donated clothing and brand new New Balance shoes to me during my time as a student, thank you. I think I have lived in donated clothing almost every day for the past 6 years. I'm so lucky to know people with beautiful items that last, and are willing to help me. All of my workouts as a student happened in donated shoes. - To Jason and everyone at Crossfit Arsenal, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to clean the gym, even when I've messed up and have forgotten to mention that I'd be out of town on a Monday night (I'm sorry for being the worst sometimes). The gym is my mental therapy, as I know it is for everyone else who goes. It's where we all feel a sense of achievement every single day, especially when it doesn't happen in other aspects of our lives. Arsenal has helped me more than most things through some of my darkest and toughest days as a student - the days when I felt incompetent, incapable, and defeated. A gnarly workout with great people can do wonders. The community you've built is special, beautiful, and real. When I look for a new apartment, literally the first priority - aside from the price - is its vicinity to Arsenal. We all look forward to seeing the gym continue to succeed and grow, especially now that the fire is pretty much completely behind us (yeah, my gym basically literally rose again from ashes, if you didn't already know. How badass is that?). - To my bosses Nikki and Ofer, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to work one day a week to give me the time I needed to succeed in a dream. I don't think I know anyone else who has been able to work just one day a week while being in school full time as an older student. So many people would mention to me how "hard it must be, to work and go to school", but I was essentially a full time student who would work 9 - 6 on a Saturday doing what was my first (work) love. I truly love being a hairstylist, and I appreciate so much that you continue to allow me to love it one day a week. I am incredibly grateful to you both, our coworkers, and our clients. There are many more individual people that I will most likely send individual thank you's to, but the point here is clear - none of this could have been done on my own. I'll carry with me everything that I have learned in these past 6 years forever with pride (in addition to my student loans, oof).

Having had the opportunity to go to school is one that I never take for granted and have always taken very seriously. Not everyone has the means necessary to go to college, let alone CHOOSE which school they'd like to go to. Boston is truly an amazing place with a lot of options for aspiring students. I try to remain very aware of my beginnings, and how fortunate and privileged I am because of them.

I've learned a lot over these past 6 years, in addition to the material I learned in my classes. I think that's my biggest - if not THE biggest takeaway - I have from my higher education experience. I know that higher education is not necessarily for everybody, and believe me, I know that it's fucking stupidly expensive. But if you have wanted to or have thought about a college degree of any kind and have the means to do so, I think it's an incredibly humbling, challenging experience that helps you grow tremendously as a person. In every day life, chances are that a lot of people you interact with are people with similar views, opinions, and thoughts on a lot of topics and issues. And chances are, if there is a known disagreement on a topic, it's naturally avoided in conversation as to not cause a ruckus. However, when you are in a classroom, you are forced into a place of discussion among people you are not always going to first agree with, and who you are forced to listen to (if you are a student that chooses to pay attention in class, that is. It's amazing how many students I saw who would just sit in class watching movies or playing video games...but that's another conscious stream of thought for another time). There are students from all over. The amount of diversity you can find in school is so beautiful. Being in school has taught me to listen to other people's opinions and keep my own opinions open to change. The classroom was also a place where I often - especially in the beginning - felt incredibly incapable. Computer Science can unfortunately do that to you if you are not someone who already has a solid foundation of programming knowledge, especially if you're a woman. There were never more than 3 other girls in a computer science classroom with me at one time, and all of my classes always had at least 16 people, at most 30. It was very hard for me to muster the courage to simply ask questions in class without feeling judged. But I was determined to learn, and I wanted to learn the material correctly. No matter what it was I was working on, no matter how many questions I'd need to ask my Professors, classmates, or to my partner during late night homework hours, I wanted to know the material as much as I possibly could. That's what brings me to my next point, which I think is the most important lesson I have learned from school that I cannot stress enough...

Walking into the commencement line up area, I had a moment of complete discouragement, dissatisfaction, and crushing sadness in myself. When I started taking classes and after earning a 4.0 GPA my very first year of college (lol when everything was still relatively easy and there were gen eds everywhere), I envisioned myself walking across my graduation stage wearing an honors stole and cords. Yesterday, I had neither of those. I graduated with a GPA between a 3.3 and 3.4, which meant I did not earn any honors to be visibly seen by my peers, family, or friends. It also meant that my name would not be called with any honors mentioned afterward. But in about 5 minutes time, I saw a girl I was graduating with walk in front of me with her stole and magna cum laude cords around her neck. This was the same girl who I had heard in the library one evening say that she had payed someone on Chegg to give her the answer to a homework assignment. I had been sitting in the library after pouring hours of my time and energy into my homework (as I pretty much always did whenever I was in there), when I overheard her say this to a friend of hers. It infuriated me. I almost wrote an email to the mathematics department chair (because it was a math homework assignment that she had payed for to be done for her the day it was due), expressing my anger. Here I was, paying my hard earned money, to be there and do my absolute best, and someone else was paying for someone else to do her homework. Even if it was just that one time! Knowing it happened once, it still happened and taints the value of achievement. I wonder if her parents paid her tuition too, because as someone who is paying for their own education, I completely understand the value of every dollar spent, and the value of every hour spent studying.

I never ended up writing an email, and she graduated rather than getting expelled for cheating. After seeing her walk by me in the line up area, I felt that anger again seeing her beautiful honors cords. But in about 10 seconds, I felt a complete 180 of emotion. I felt pride, justification, and joy to be graduating. Because I KNOW that even though I did not end my schooling with the GPA I thought I would, I earned every bit of it. Whatever happened outside of the classroom in my life that was out of my control, I kept at it with my studying as best as I could, and there were some really difficult times. But I never stopped my studying, and I never - EVER - paid for someone else to do my work for me. I also never had any of my friends or fellow students deliberately give me an answer to anything. I was standing there, among a crowd of some possible other cheaters (I won't ever know, but I know there was unfortunately at least one) with a clear and proud conscience. And that, I think, was the best moment of my higher educational chapter. Because even though I didn't earn honors, I know I don't have anything to feel bad about. She walked across that stage maybe without it on her mind, with her parents proudly cheering, but there will absolutely be times in her life where it will sneak up and she'll remember, "I paid for an assignment....".

Honestly, fuck that. Don't ever be that person. In any area in life. I think there will unfortunately always be people who feel the need to do something to get ahead of you, even if it's by cheating. Whether it's in school, work, or even in a workout. If you see someone else wearing the honors cords they don't deserve, or if someone else gets the promotion they didn't earn, or if someone does not do all of their complete reps to earn a higher place on the results whiteboard than you, just remember this - you are absolutely NOT the only person who sees what is happening. And you know what the result is for people like that, even if it happens at a slower rate than you might want it to? Life inevitably gives in return to that person disrespect, and their "hard work" becomes unacknowledged. Nobody likes, respects, appreciates, or cares about cheating, even if some people don't see it happening. Or if some people refuse to acknowledge it happening. It's shitty when it directly affects your visual results of something, especially if those results are available to everyone else involved. Someone might be wearing honors cords and you won't be, but at least later in life, it all comes full circle again.

All you can do is do your absolute best at everything you're doing, that's all you can do. Even if your absolute best one day results in a grade of a C+ rather than an A - life might have been shitty that day, or you might not have been able to prioritize that assignment because of another assignment that you needed to pick your grade up in. Or maybe you're just fucking tired and need a break, and all you can do is give yourself credit for even just showing up. Whatever it is you're doing in life, just always give it your best. That's all you can do. These past 6 years have been exhilarating, exhausting, humbling, and a journey I will absolutely never forget. There were a lot of moments where I wanted to quit. It felt truly impossible sometimes to even finish a homework assignment on time knowing that it would only create a small dent in the amount of work I needed to complete. I can't say "Thank you" enough to all of you for your continued support, even on my worst days when the constant awareness of lingering, never ending homework suppressed my ability to be as happy or kind as I could have been.

To all of you who have worked your ass off for something you've wanted and truly earned it for yourself - I applaud, respect, and commend you! Here's to the days ahead of no more homework until midnight or 1 am, to building the foundations of a new and exciting career, to more opportunities for adventures outside, to spending more quality time with people I love, and to accomplishing more than I even know is possible.